26 Questions Forever on a New Yorker's Mind

1. Who has Dan ACTUALLY taught to play guitar?  I need names.
2. If my phone fell in the subway track with no train in sight, would I jump down and grab it?
3. Where the hell do all these people live?
4. Why do homeless people wear garbage bags in the summer?
5. If I had to use my fire escape, would I know how to find my way to the street once I got down or would I be trapped behind my building somewhere?
6. Why do all the new Duane Reade stores have the Exit and Entrance doors on the wrong side?
7. How do ALL those NYC souvenir stores stay in business?
8. Why doesn't anyone know how to walk? 
9. Do other people feel they are winning when they cross the street in two directions without having to stop because they made it across when one light was red? Score!
10. Do other people wish they had a BB gun with to take take out pigeons? 
11. Ballpark, how fat would I get if everyday I only ate $1.00 pizza for lunch and dinner?
12. If my subway train was stuck underground for a very long while - would I share this bottle of water with other people?
13. Does anyone else think about this? "If I had to choose one person on this subway car to sleep with, I would first narrow down my choices by finding out who does not have an STD."
14. Did Julianne Moore just walk by me?
15. At Laundromat: Is anyone looking at my bras and underwear? How much do I care? 
16. What is that suffocating gust of meaty scented air constantly blowing out of the Food Emporium every morning?
17. How sick would I get if I licked the ground in Times Square?
18. Why am I in Times Square?
19. How is that senior citizen STILL living here?
20. Should I no longer be winded after walking up the same 4 flights of stairs for 6 years
21. Where did that girl get those pants?
22. Rain? Or AC?
23. Is that Law and Order being filmed?
24. How much longer will I tolerate this quality of life?
25. Why are there SO many steps at the Duane Reade credit card machine when checking out?
• Type in phone number to get points
• Hit Enter
• Swipe or tap card
• Credit or debit? ("Um excuse me sir, do I select the X or press Enter for credit?")
• Do you approve this amount?  YES OF COURSE I APPROVE THIS AMOUNT! I JUST SWIPED MY CARD!
• Sign ( for anything over $25)
• Have thought: "So many people have touched this screen - remember to wash hands before putting them in mouth, eyes or near face"
26. And Finally: WHAT is that smell?

To Kick a Pigeon Bird: 10 Reasons to Kick a Pigeon

I've considered kicking a pigeon to relieve anger for the following 10 reasons that are related and unrelated to pigeons:

1) A car hit me while I was getting dumped over the phone on my walk home from Happy Hour. Kick that bird.

2) The startup company I work for has a mouse problem and I accidentally stepped in the sticky trap while wearing new boots. Go ahead - kick it!  (Just be careful because mouse trap glue is still stuck to your boot and you don't want the pigeon to get stuck to the bottom of your shoe).

3) Accidental shart made me miss my Saturday morning gym class. #downapairoflulu's. Kick that bird.

4) I need to sell a great chair because it takes up too much space in my tiny apartment - can't sell great chair cause it takes up too much space in potential buyer's tiny apartment. Put that bird through the field goal.

5) Tripped over pigeon. Die dirty pigeon!

6) Duck down because ... low flying pigeon comin' at me. Get a bebe gun. Forget the kick.

7) I'm forced to cross street and go out of my way to avoid mass amount of pigeons chilling on the telephone pole wire on the northwest corner of 52nd and 8th. Pigeon shit everywhere. Get 'em.

8) I've been startled by multicolored overweight pigeon.  #freightningasfuck. Kick that bird, I say!!

9) Mint.com email alert: "you have gone over your shopping budget for the month." Fuck you mint.com. My closet gets better by the minute. Kick that bird. 

10) Guy I was dating claimed to be PHENOMINAL chef, wanted to cook me dinner. When I asked what I can bring - he selfishly suggested Levain cookies. When I show up with said cookies - no dinner was made. He thought it would be cute to cook TOGETHER. Um no, you MASSIVE MORON!! Mama wanted to walk into your candlelit apartment smelling of delicious, full-on cow sitting center of table with a nice salad on the side, AND FEED! He orders Seamless - forgets to hit "submit order." We end up sharing Levain cookies for dinner. Chuck the bird at his face. 

*No pigeons were harmed or injured for this story but I can't promise that won't change. 

13 Reasons to Come Rock Your Body at Peace Core Boot(y)Camp

1)   Kenny, the Instructor = Eye Candy (as long as you’re into tattoos).

2)   West Side Highway Sunset, Baby!

3)   Kenny is an ex marine who incorporates yoga and marine core drills like interval training, dance and boxing into the exercise.

4)   Workout on the Hudson River – Duh! So even on the days where men’s balls are sticking to sides of their legs – working out by the water takes the temperature down significantly.

5)   When it rains he takes the class to the Highline J another one of NYC’s greatest places!

6)   I’m almost always the last person to finish each exercise (see photo of me above) AND I STILL LOVE IT!

7)   Fourfecta:

a.     Bust your ass

b.     While being Outdoors

c.      With friends

d.     While getting the best type of tan possible! Classes are at 6 and 7 PM on weekdays so the sun isn’t strong enough to burn you but it kisses you just right J I’m walking proof!

8)   You won’t get bored because Kenny changes up the routine each class.

9)   Twice a week is enough for you to change your body in the first month.

10)                   I’ve done several workout classes (hip-hop dance classes, Michael Jackson Monday’s, Nalini Method, Flying Trapeze School, Pure Barre, Hot Yoga, the list goes on) and Peace Core is the only class that gives me the best full body workout where I see results within the first couple weeks.

11)                   Shirtless Hotties with Bodies are frequently jogging down the WSH – even if they bark up the other tree – nothing like a good six-pack flyby to motivate you!

12)                   Class is ALWAYS challenging no matter your fitness level.

13)                   10% CITYELLA DISCOUNT… heyooo!

*Mention CityElla or PrettyFunnyLady and Kenny will hook you up with a 10% discount*

·      Call Kenny for more info: 917-686-0610

·      See his FB page for more details: https://www.facebook.com/PeaceCoreNY

·      Let me know if you have any questions!

Five Ways to Get Back at the Upper Worst Side - er, I mean Upper EastSide

1) Walk into Cartier and try to exchange the pen your Aunt bought you 8 years ago for college graduation. 

2) Walk into Hermés to have your Chinatown watch strap swapped out for the real deal and while waiting, pick your nose and flick the booger at the watch case.

3) Walk into Proenza Schouler, release gas, walk out. 

4) Walk into J. Mendel and ask which type of animal they had to murder to make the fur blanket  that sits on the bench in the bridal dressing room.

5) Walk into Oliver People's, try on all the glasses, put them back in all the wrong places, release gas, walk out.

--
Sara Gita Nickin Losonci

F*ck Tapas

In anticipation of the warm-ish weather approaching New York City, my great friend Anita & I headed out for some exercise in the brisk Spring-ish air this past Saturday.  After an eventful 5 mile walk down the Westside Highway we rewarded ourselves with mass amounts of food and bar hopped until the wee hours of the night.  As we made our way from one bar to the next, we passed many Tapas restaurants and I explained to my Dear Anita how much I despise Tapas. 

                        Below is a list of reasons Why I Hate Tapas in one, long run-on sentence:

1. 
   

1. TAPAS are Small Plates - so as expected the
2. Food is Small and  
3. Each Plate Comes with an Uneven Amount of Small Pieces of something flaky, fishy or slightly resembling a slider but not really - so naturally, it would make sense to 
4. Order Many Small Plates and 
5. Share the Food with your five to seven person table and since
6. Each Plate is Overpriced and the waiter knows it, he is going to suggest one of everything on the right side of the menu because he will bank and understands that no matter how much you order, there's
7. Never Enough to Fill You Up so you are always
8. Still Hungry and if you're like me, you'll announce it, but 
9. Everyone Else Always Lies and Says They're Full, especially the
10. Self Proclaimed Foodie Whom Suggested the Restaurant (usually a friend of a friend) and is likely the most hungry of them all by the looks of his/her cheekbones and over sized glasses to compensate for undersized everything else, not to mention there always seems to be
11. One Piece of Food the Size of A Fingernail Left on Each Plate that NO ONE EVER TAKES - (but I take it, I'm that person) and even after eating the fingernail, hunger pangs turn in your stomach so on the way home you plan to grab a slice of pizza because it's all you can afford after you just dropped $60 on four pieces of flaky food and the alcohol you had to drink to forget about how angry the tapas were making you.

As luck would have it, Anita & I happened to trot past a t-shirt printing store in the midst of my explanation - good thing I wore my beanie out that night.  We had the store owner print "Fuck Tapas" on my hat.  I felt relieved.