July 13, 2014

26 Questions Forever on a New Yorker's Mind



  1. Who has Dan ACTUALLY taught to play guitar?  I need names.
  2. If my phone fell in the subway track with no train in sight, would I jump down and grab it?
  3. Where the hell do all these people live?
  4. Why do homeless people wear garbage bags in the summer?
  5. If I had to use my fire escape, would I know how to find my way to the street once I got down or would I be trapped behind my building somewhere?
  6. Why do all the new Duane Reade stores have the Exit and Entrance doors on the wrong side?
  7. How do ALL those NYC souvenir stores stay in business?
  8. Why doesn't anyone know how to walk? 
  9. Do other people feel they are winning when they cross the street in two directions without having to stop because they made it across when one light was red? Score!
  10. Do other people wish they had a BB gun with to take take out pigeons? 
  11. Ballpark, how fat would I get if everyday I only ate $1.00 pizza for lunch and dinner?
  12. If my subway train was stuck underground for a very long while - would I share this bottle of water with other people?
  13. Does anyone else think about this? "If I had to choose one person on this subway car to sleep with, I would first narrow down my choices by finding out who does not have an STD."
  14. Did Julianne Moore just walk by me?
  15. At Laundromat: Is anyone looking at my bras and underwear? How much do I care? 
  16. What is that suffocating gust of meaty scented air constantly blowing out of the Food Emporium every morning?
  17. How sick would I get if I licked the ground in Times Square?
  18. Why am I in Times Square?
  19. How is that senior citizen STILL living here?
  20. Should I no longer be winded after walking up the same 4 flights of stairs for 6 years
  21. Where did that girl get those pants?
  22. Rain? Or AC?
  23. Is that Law and Order being filmed?
  24. How much longer will I tolerate this quality of life?
  25. Why are there SO many steps at the Duane Reade credit card machine when checking out?
    • Type in phone number to get points
    • Hit Enter
    • Swipe or tap card
    • Credit or debit? ("Um excuse me sir, do I select the X or press Enter for credit?")
    • Do you approve this amount?  YES OF COURSE I APPROVE THIS AMOUNT! I JUST SWIPED MY CARD!
    • Sign ( for anything over $25)
    • Have thought: "So many people have touched this screen - remember to wash hands before putting them in mouth, eyes or near face"
  26. And Finally: WHAT is that smell?